Monday, December 30, 2013

A Drunk

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door
.  The man gets up  and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.



'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago  when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark..

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.

Making babies


Making a baby…..

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, emb arrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'


'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a Portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs.Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Top Seven Idiots of 2008

Number One Idiot of 2008

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2008

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2008

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for
them to be crossing anymore.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they REPRODUCE . . . and they vote!!!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

RETIREMENT BONUS

RETIREMENT BONUS
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
   bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two   
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a

Bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with  $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie
   
to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
   
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He
   
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are   your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

Classics to enjoy..!!!

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) (clearly this email was originated by a women)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?

A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Women and men Jokes

    1.  When I was born, I was given a choice:  A big  dick or a good memory...
       I don't remember, what I  chose.

  2.  Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

  3.  A wife is a sex object.   Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

  4.  Impotence:   Nature's way of saying:  'No hard  feelings....'

  5.  There are only two four letter words that are  offensive to men:
     'don't' and 'stop', unless  they are used  together.

  6.  Panties:   Not the best thing on earth, but next  to the best thing on  earth.

  7.  There are three stages of sex in a man's life:  Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

  8.  Virginity can be  cured.

  9.  Virginity is not dignity, its lack of  opportunity.

10.  Having sex is like playing bridge. 
       If you don't  have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11.  I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too  small...

12.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13.  Q:  What's an Australian  kiss?
       A:  The same thing as a French kiss, only down  under.

14.  A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
       He was happy with the Hole and she was  happy with the Thing......

15.  Q:  What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
        A:  Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16.  Q:   Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
        A:  Breasts don't have eyes.

17.  Despite the old saying:  'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
       Many men still sleep with  their wives!!

Send  to the men who need a laugh and the women with a  good sense of  humor.

Monday, December 23, 2013

New Deodorant Stick

I got this new deodorant stick. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."

I can barely walk with it, but when I fart I smell real nice ...

Smart Ass

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight To Canada.

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate in Florida to

check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the

ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing

a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store in
New York but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She

asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy

replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer in Montgomery got out of his car as the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid
replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and

noticed a sign that read:

Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows i t, the bridge is right in front of him and
his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police

car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts
his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

An Alabama college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you

not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your

immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room

raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual

exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering when silence was restored, the teacher smiled

knowingly at the st udent, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Little Boy

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied,

"Don't even go there! From what I remember about that party,   you're lucky you don't bark!

Friday, December 20, 2013

Another blonde joke....

Surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,


"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Humorous websites

Girl said: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in India and he lives in Dubai.

We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, he proposed to me on skype, and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber.

I need your blessings and good wishes, daddy.

Dad said: Wow! Really!! Then get married on twitter, have fun on
tango.

Buy your kids on e-bay, receive them through gmail.

And if you are fed up with your husband...sell him on Amazon.

Win an iPad Mini with Online Prize Contests

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

God and Adam


God

Said, "Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me."


Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"



God
Said, "Go down
Into that
Valley."

Adam said, "What's
A valley?"


God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
"Cross the
River."

Adam said, "What's a
River?"


God explained that
To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill...."


Adam said, "What is a
Hill?"



So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On

The
Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave."



Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'


After God explained,
He
Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."



Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'


So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
To
Reproduce."


Adam said, "How do
I do

That?"  

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."


And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
Well.


So, Adam goes down
Into
The valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
Into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
About five minutes, he was back.


God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is
It
Now?"


And Adam said....



*

*


(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE

THIS!!!!!!)

*

*



*

*

*

"What's a
Headache?"