Wednesday, January 28, 2009
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
We do not buy toilet paper there any more.
A nurse who noticed his predicament said 'Sir, You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
'He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside..
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it was tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing, he belted out a yell and then he passed out.......when he woke up, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.'
The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
He orders a drink and while he's drinking,the monkey jumps all around the place.
He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy,'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
The guy says 'No, what?'
The bartender screams 'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy,'he eats everything in sight, the cheeky little beggar.
Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink,the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.'No, what?'
replies the guy.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.
'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first!!!
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do somethingor tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched..We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
Monday, January 26, 2009
altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain - EXTENDED
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in orwalks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten yearsand I'll give you back the otherten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give youa twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer underthe sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. Forthis, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixtyyears.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give youtwenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me mytwenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and theten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that iswhy for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. Forthe next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. Andfor the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it asa publicservice.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to war d off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protest ing the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany .. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
How are you all today?
When I logged into my facebook account I had been invited to join a group where two mates challenged the network that if their group grew to 15,000+ members they would get a tattoo facebook’s logo. This is one hell of a crazy challenge… lol.
Here is what these guys have to say:
Before I get started let me just say that we would just go out and get a normal tattoo but what fun is that!? To the person who said that we are just looking for attention, let me just say yes we are but we also want to get a tattoo so ;)
I saw a group recently that said that if they get 20,000 members then they would get a google tattoo. When 20,000 joined they backed down. However the difference with this group is that me and my mate (Dan Smith and Ian Hide) will actually do it, weve got the money, all we need is you lot to join. We will give proof using photos on here. So join and invite all your contacts to join. My mate doesnt believe well get 15,000 so prove him wrong it would be piss funny. If we get like 100 members we will look like tits so please join. And to those people who write in the wall and call us losers/sad/idiots....CORRECT we are very sad. So you dont have to write it cos we (particularly Ian) already know it! x
PLEASE INVITE YOUR MATES SO IT CAN SPREAD!
Source: Click here
Go on guys… get the tattoo done and post some pictures.
Friday, January 23, 2009
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
80 years later,
the history book asks us,
if we know
what ultimately became of them.
1. The president of the largest steel company.
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
3. The president of the NYSE,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
died abroad, penniless.
5 The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street,
also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Below is the first picture available of this world's first Women-Only parking lot in Minnesota.
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? '
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No ........ I'm your son's teacher.'
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
* * * * * * * * * * *
If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too ya know!
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
WIFE VS. HUSBANDA couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can taketwo arseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street andhave half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'.
This is just great :)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundrybasket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note todo more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS CHEERING UP, AS THIS WILL DO IT.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.? His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.?
Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't have milk in my cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get anyeggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I??
What? asks the mother. That he is not going to get any pussy for a week!Replies the little boy with a very big smile.......
Let's see now...
No Jesus No Christmas No television No cheerleaders No Nude Women No car racesNo football No soccer No pork BBQ No hot dogs No burgers No chocolate chip cookies No lobster No nachos No Beer nutsNo Beer !!!!!!!!Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit- head .
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first timeReason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (Did our government pay for this research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam!!
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into awell. The animal cried piteously for hours asthe farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and thewell needed to be covered up anyway;it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and beganto shovel dirt into the well. At first, thedonkey realized what was happening and criedhorribly. Then, to everyone's amazement hequieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at whathe saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit hisback, the donkey was doing something amazing.He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake itoff and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkeystepped up over the edge of the well andhappily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the wellis to shake it off and take a step up. Each ofour troubles is a steppingstone. We can get outof the deepest wells just by not stopping,never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Enough of that crap . .. The donkey later came back,and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.The gash from the bite got infected andthe farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to coveryour ass, it always comes back to bite you.
You have two choices...smile and close thispage, or pass this along to someone else tospread the fun.
Friday, January 16, 2009
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss,only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',many men still sleep with their wives!!
Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
Whilst tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
Whilst the convict is out of the room, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict:
Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you because this guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll probably kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!".
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too."
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying mailto:F@!K%20YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.
So today I just wanted to tell you.....
There are no changes scheduled for 2009 !!
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50+ YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.. 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. TheSalary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and apint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't youraise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like you r parents all of the time..
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what wouldyou be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
One day the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked 'Why are you standing in line here dear?'
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
'Why that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself' Grandma said and she proceeded to the end of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed 'Wow still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'
Grandma replied 'Oh it's easy dear. I just take my dentures out rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
The policeman fainted.
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are foundIn every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession In two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would Somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday school admonition to 'care for the sick, feed The hungry, and clothe the naked.' I was moved by some powerful inner urge To reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice Inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person'!
So I did..........
I won' t be in church this Sunday!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
No wonder men are happier.