Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora . . . the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Monday, May 18, 2009

ACTUAL ' CALL CENTER ' CALLS

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'


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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

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Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?

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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'

Computer Problem

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

Toilet pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."

What's all the screaming about in there ?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers !"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"

The Other Stall














Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,

I stop at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:


"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,


"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:


"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:


"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.


"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them


"No...I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Friday, May 8, 2009

Chelsea Football Club New Sponsor

Latest News on the Champions League Game - Chelsea v Barcelona.

Straight after the Barcelona Champions League game, Chelsea Football Club has announced this morning they have signed a 3 year deal with a new sponsor.

LastMinute.com

Tom Tom

Latest News on the Champions League Game - Chelsea v Barcelona.

Just been informed that Tom-Tom has recalled all it's GPS models as apparently there is a glitch with them...

Apparently Chelsea in London was just 2 minutes from Rome

Hahahahaha...

www.JokesLOL.com

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Funny Pictures

Hi Guys,

I have just come across this great website which has many funny pictures. (Click on the title of this message to go to it)

Feel free to visit it any time and leave your comments here for JokesLOL.com viewers.

Thanks & Enjoy!

www.JokesLOL.com Team

Can your pecker touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks, “Can I have a beer Gramps?”

Gramps replies, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

The little boy answered, “No Gramps, it’s just a little pecker.”

Gramps says, “Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer.”

A little later Gramps lights a cigar.

The little boy asks, “Can I have a cigar, Gramps?”

Once again Gramps asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

Once again the little boy replies, “No Gramps, it’s too little.”

Gramps replies, “Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar.”

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Gramps asks, “Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?”

The boys asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

Laughing, Gramps replies, “Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass!”

The little boy replies, “Then go fuck yourself. Gramma made these for me.”

La mamada

Están tres amigas y compañeras de trabajo tomando café en la oficina, haciendo una pausa, ya sabes. Y charlando de sus cosas. Hasta que una dice:

'Me pasa una cosa curiosa con mi Juan, después de hacerle una mamada, al tocarle los huevos, los tiene fríos, muy fríos, y eso siempre me ha hecho gracia, por lo curioso.

Interviene otra: 'de curioso nada, que a mi Pedro le pasa lo mismo..'

Ambas se quedan mirando a la tercera y la preguntan: ¿Y a tu Antonio? ¿le pasa lo mismo a él?

Esta tercera amiga, un poco sonrojada por lo íntimo de la pregunta, se arma de valor contesta: 'No sé, yo no hago esas cosas, no me gusta'.

Las otras dos amigas, se ríen ante proceder de su compañera y le dicen:

Pero no seas tonta... mira que es mejor que se lo hagas tú a que lo busque por ahí, que nunca se sabe..... además, a todos los hombres les gusta.

La tercera amiga, agobiada y preocupada a partes iguales por los lógicos razonamientos de sus compañeras decide darles la razón y practicarle una felación a su Antonio.

El lunes, en la pausa del café, vuelven a coincidir las tres, y le preguntan: '¿Cómo te fue, se lo hiciste?, ¿le gustó?, ¿y a ti?'

Entonces la chica, se quita las gafas de sol y se ve que tiene el ojo amoratado de un buen puñetazo o golpe o.... lo que sea, pero estaba claro que el Antonio le había pegado una hostia terrible.

Y le preguntan: 'Pero ¿qué te ha hecho?, ¿no le gusto?, ¿se la mordiste, chiquilla?

Y la pobre mujer contesta: No, nada de eso, si hasta me felicitó por el trabajillo, y le encantó, lo que no le gustó es que al terminar, le toqué los huevos y le dije:

¡anda!... fíjate, tú los tienes calientes, no como Juan y Pedro, que los tienen fríos después de una mamada!!.

Cooter and Gomer





















Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

www.JokesLOL.com