Monday, April 6, 2009

A joke or two

A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker.

"I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.

"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!"

"You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just home-sick."
______________

Darling," cooed the wife sweetly over morning coffee, "do you remember those trout you spent two weeks fishing for back in April?" "Sure," mumbled her husband through his newspaper. "Well," she continued, "one of them called last night to say you're going to he a father."
____________

Girl: Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Priest: What have you done my child?
Girl: I called a man a son of a bitch.
Priest: Why did you call him a son of a bitch?
Girl: Because he touched my hand.
Priest: Like this? (as he touches her hand)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he touched my breast.
Priest: Like this? (as he touched her breast)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he took off my clothes, father.
Priest: Like this? (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.
Priest: Like this? (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!
Priest: (after a few minutes): Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: But father he had AIDS!
Priest: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
_________________

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks,

"Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God isboth male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks,
"Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks,
"Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none theless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and hetriumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
__________

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to thecrowd of drinkers. He says,

"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints ofGuinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back upand taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says it is and asks the bartender to line up 10 pintsof Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of thepint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mindme askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down thestreet to see if I could do it first".
____________

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store.

He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular saleswoman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. Then he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!

I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" shouted Oscar. "No," she replied,

"I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

1 comment:

Abishek makvana said...

This is a very nicely created blog. Thanks! Sometimes younger use the dirty jokes ever to share with friends/buddies to bring smile on their faces. So here are so useful collection of the funny bad jokes for them.