Saturday, March 28, 2009

Resolutions you can make and actually realise

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

One Joke per state

Hawaii
Hawaii's joke is they keep raising the prices, and the tourists still come -- and none of the actual natives get a penny of benefit.

Idaho
Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:

Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

Illinois
This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough." --Richard Jeni

Indiana
How boring is Indiana? The entire state is so boring that no one has ever bothered to make up a good joke about the state.

Iowa
What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas
What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.

Kentucky
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana
What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Maine
After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. "Good," said the farmer. "I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."

Maryland
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?" "Sure, buddy," says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"
The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!”

Friday, March 27, 2009

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


What were you Thinking?...

Her husband speaks English!

The Flasher


Wish List

What I Want In A Man!

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10.. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Three Knots


















An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and
heads for the docks once more,for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies,'Well,old sailor,you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks
stops into a brothel outside Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and
says, I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and athree-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't
horny . . . . . . I'm homesick.

The Reason for Dots

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

CANADIAN COFFEEA

Newfoundland woman 'of a certain age ',

Visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?', asks the doctor.

'Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat,' she said.
'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went'

It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh jaysus, mary and joseph, doctor, twas horrid.

Just terrible!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee.

Lard de effect was almost immediate.

He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce!

With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then,lard tunderin jaysus, didn't he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me on the tabletop!It was a nightmare, I tell you!'

'Why so terrible?', asked the doctor.

'Do you mean the sex was not good?'

'No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I had in 25 years.

But, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's ever again!

Friday's Idiots incorporating new design T-shirt


Thursday, March 26, 2009

Important Health Alert - MUST read

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends and warn them. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life!!!

Sex in the Dark:

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

illegal immigration......

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .










Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Are there any other problems that you'd like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this one:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution


3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians . . . It creates a hostile work environment!

PART OF THE PROBLEM

Also, think about this: If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone--YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

It is Time for America to Speak up!

Yep, I passed it on!

What is your secret?"

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"















"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. '"Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."'

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

Arabs, Why God gave them camels

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

THREE PINTS OF GUINNESS

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness

and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn..

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it

... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder

in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home,

we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way

... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!

International Men's Day

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Best Come~Back Ever!!

Possibly the best come-back ever!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later after knocking back a few drinks,

he goes over to the new guy with a smug look on his face and asks him

(in a voice louder than necessary):

'So ... how do you like using second hand stuff?'The new husband replies

(also in a voice louder than necessary):

'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches, it's all brand new.

Monday, March 23, 2009

AN IRISH COINCIDENCE!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ..'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

An older couple!!!
















Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: ! Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to sleep, and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Lost Puppy

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help. Our neighbour has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him.

Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realised he was gone.
She called out to him and he never responded. She then noticed the back door was open.

She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned..

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP

Razorbacks

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic ArkansasRazorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

The economy is so bad:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico ..

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won’t leave the light on.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Dreads under the bed

Ever since I was a child I have always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

PRICELESS!!


They are finally together....

*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* ...

Judy got married and had 8 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and her & Bob had 6 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, her & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 19 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:....

"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

Bar test

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £10 notes...

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,

'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well......you pay £10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first......
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the £10 note
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove
that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my £10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those
other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,' Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream
down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then
nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his
body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

Retirement

My wife said "Watcha doin' today?"

I said "Nothing"

She said, "You did that yesterday"

I said "I wasn't finished"

Banking crisis - a word of caution!!!!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Big Cat Keeper: Lion King Of South Africa

Kevin Richardson is treated just like one of the pride by the lions he keeps at his reserve in South Africa.
Kevin Richardson with the lions who accept him as one of their own

England Football Team... Teaching them a lesson

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James Corden (born 17 June 1978)[1] is a BAFTA-winning English actor, comedian, writer and producer. He co-created and stars in the BBC One/BBC Three comedy Gavin & Stacey and BBC Three comedy Horne & Corden.

Corden grew up in Hazlemere, a suburb of High Wycombe in Buckinghamshire.[2][3][4] He studied drama as a young boy at Jackie Palmer Stage School and then attended Holmer Green Senior School in Holmer Green near High Wycombe and the Misbourne School, in Great Missenden.[2][3][4] Corden was not a serious student and did not attend university.[2][3]

On Friday Night with Jonathan Ross (2 November 2007), he confirmed that he was dating the actress Sheridan Smith. However, on 11 March 2008, after flirting with Lily Allen on her chatshow, she asked if he was single. He replied, 'It's complicated'. He was later also seen leaving a comedy gig with Allen. However, he confirmed his relationship with Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps star Smith was back on, in July 2008, after telling friends "The time away has been good for us and I know we have something special. We're taking it slowly and I am more than happy. She is my best mate, too." As of February 2009 Corden and Sheridan Smith's relationship is now back on.[5]


Corden is a fan of West Ham United, which causes conflict with his Gavin & Stacey co-star Mathew Horne, who is a Tottenham Hotspur fan. Following an appearance on Soccer AM in January 2007, Corden revealed that he has attended many West Ham United games with fellow supporter Russell Brand.

Corden waited eight years for his first part, a dancer in the West End:[6]
"I never worked at all, I don't know why. I think it was the best thing that could have happened to me because it taught me about rejection from a really early age. At the time it was awful, all my friends were getting parts in paint adverts and stuff."
His first role was in the musical Martin Guerre.[3] He then starred in the British television series Fat Friends as Jamie Rymer, and played Gareth Jones in the series Boyz Unlimited. His TV work includes a role playing a bookish student in Teachers (Series 1, 2000) and he also made a guest appearance in Little Britain. Corden's film credits include Mike Leigh's All or Nothing (2002).
Corden played a small part in Channel 4/T4's Hollyoaks. He played a caretaker of the local college briefly around 2001-2. In an August 2008 interview with Esquire Magazine he commented on his disdain of the programme and members of the cast.[7] Corden said he would rather die than go back to appear on Hollyoaks, saying: "I met a couple of really good friends there, but it's (only) 20% nice people."[8]
Corden played the role of Timms in the original London stage production of Alan Bennett's play The History Boys, as well as in the Broadway, Sydney, Wellington and Hong Kong productions and radio and film versions of the play.[9][10][11] Corden stars in the BBC Three comedy Gavin & Stacey that he co-wrote with his Fat Friends co-star Ruth Jones. As well as a second series for the BBC, Corden will act as executive producer for an NBC pilot of an American version of the show.


Corden guest hosted Big Brother's Big Mouth with his Gavin & Stacey co-star Mathew Horne in August 2007. Corden and Horne were the permanent hosts for the Big Brother's Big Mouth series running alongside E4's Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack in January 2008.[12] He appears in the forthcoming film of Toby Young's autobiography How To Lose Friends and Alienate People and series two of Gavin & Stacey. He cohosted the Whats on Stage Awards ceremony in 2008.
In February 2008 he shot a BBC pilot, Hey, Hey, We're The Monks. He will collaborate with Horne on a new sketch show named Horne and Corden, a "traditional" comedy show in the style of Morecambe and Wise[13] as well as the film Lesbian Vampire Killers.

In February 2009, he co-presented the Brit Awards with Mathew Horne and Kylie Minogue.
On Friday 13 March 2009, he appeared in a sketch for Comic Relief giving the England Football Team a motivational talk. He later went on to present a section with Mathew Horne showing their best bits of comedy from the last two years along with highlights from the night.
On 17 March 2009, James appeared on The Paul O'Grady Show.

Corden was nominated for the 2000 RTS Award for Network Newcomer — On Screen for his work on Fat Friends.[14]

Corden won Best Male Comedy Newcomer and Gavin & Stacey won Best New British Television Comedy at the 2007 British Comedy Awards.[15]

At the 2008 Television BAFTAs, Corden won the BAFTA for Best Comedy Performance. Also, Gavin & Stacey won the Sky+ Audience Award for Programme of the Year, the only award at the ceremony voted for by the public, beating the likes of The Apprentice and Britain's Got Talent.[16]

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Corden

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

My First Time













It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.


I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it

I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever

At milking a cow...

NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS..

Blonde Antelope

The United States Of Ponzi - Forbes.com

A reporter contacted me recently with the following question:

"I am a reporter, and I am doing a story on Bernard Madoff's life after pleading guilty. As part of this, I was wondering if you could comment on what significance he will have in the history of this period. Will he represent more than a scamster who stole a lot of money from a lot of people? As Bernie Ebbers and Ken Lay came to embody corporate greed and deceit, what will Madoff symbolize?"

Here is my answer fleshed out in full:

Americans lived in a "Made-off" and Ponzi bubble economy for a decade or even longer. Madoff is the mirror of the American economy and of its over-leveraged agents: a house of cards of leverage over leverage by households, financial firms and corporations that has now collapsed in a heap.

When you put zero down on your home, and you thus have no equity in your home, your leverage is literally infinite and you are playing a Ponzi game.

And the bank that lent you, with zero down, a NINJA (no income, no jobs and assets) liar loan that was interest-only for a while, with negative amortization and an initial teaser rate, was also playing a Ponzi game.

And private equity firms that did over a $1 trillion of leveraged buyouts (LBOs) in the last few years with a debt-to-earnings ratio of 10 or above were also Ponzi firms playing a Ponzi game.

A government that will issue trillions of dollars of new debt to pay for this severe recession and socialize private losses may risk becoming a Ponzi government if--in the medium term--it does not return to fiscal discipline and debt sustainability.

A country that has--for over 25 years--spent more than income and thus run an endless string of current account deficit--and has thus become the largest net foreign debtor in the world (with net foreign liabilities that are likely to be over $3 trillion by the end of this year)--is also a Ponzi country that may eventually default on its foreign debt if it does not, over time, tighten its belt and start running smaller current account deficits and actual trade surpluses.

Whenever you persistently consume more than your income year after year (a household with negative savings, a government with budget deficit, a firm or financial institution with persistent losses, a country with a current account deficit) you are playing a Ponzi game. In the jargon of formal economics, you are not satisfying your long-run inter-temporal budget constraint as you borrow to finance the interest rate on your previous debt, and are thus following an unsustainable debt dynamics that eventually leads to outright insolvency.

According to Hyman Minsky and economic theory, Ponzi agents (households, firms, banks) are those who need to borrow more to repay both principal and interest on their previous debt; i.e., Minsky's "Ponzi borrowers" cannot service either interest or principal payments on their debts. They are called "Ponzi borrowers" as they need persistently increasing prices of the assets they invested in to keep on refinancing their debt obligations.

By this standard, U.S. households whose debt relative to income went from 65% 15 years ago, to 100% in 2000, to 135% today were playing a Ponzi game.

And an economy where the total debt to GDP ratio (of households, financial firms and corporations) is now 350% is a Made-Off Ponzi economy. And now that home values have fallen 20% (and they will fall another 20% before they bottom out) and equity prices have fallen over 50% (and may fall further), using homes as an ATM to finance Ponzi consumption is not feasible any more. The party is over for households, banks and non-bank highly leveraged corporations.

The bursting of the housing bubble, the equity bubble, the hedge funds bubble and the private equity bubble showed that most of the "wealth" that supported the massive leverage and overspending of agents in the economy was a fake bubble-driven wealth. Now that these bubble have burst, it is clear that the emperor had no clothes, and that we are the naked emperor. A rising bubble tide was hiding the fact that most Americans and their banks were swimming naked; and the bursting of the bubble is the low tide that shows who was naked.

Madoff may now spend the rest of his life in prison. U.S. households, financial and non-financial firms, and government may spend the next generation in debtor's prison having to tighten their belts to pay for the losses inflicted by a decade or more of reckless leverage, over-consumption and risk-taking.

Americans, let us look at ourselves in the mirror: Madoff is us and Mr. Ponzi is us! Nouriel Roubini, a professor at the Stern Business School at New York University and chairman of Roubini Global Economics, is a weekly columnist for Forbes.com.

January/ August

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man:

"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:

"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Men are like...

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives .
They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like. Bananas. The older they get,
the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather .
Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ..
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials .
You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ...
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .... Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ... Mascara .
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn .
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps .
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

Rubber Gloves

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, wasnervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on hisgloves..

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tankOf latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip intheir hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Cafeteria

Cherie Blair's Chauffeur

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the
chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away..

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ...

"BRING POSSE"

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Gibraltar... The way it is... If you don't like it, then leave!!!

English, Welsh, Spanish, Muslims, who want to live under their own law were told on Wednesday to get out of Gibraltar .Government targeted those who constantly attack and put down Gibraltar.

'IMMIGRANTS, NOT GIBRALTARIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this Country worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture.

'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'

'We speak mainly LLANITO, not Spanish, English, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!' Do not put us down when we repeatedly use the word conio. This word can be a very, loving and warm word. We use it in terms like 'que te quiero conio' -'q guapa ere conio' - 'q Listo ere conio' .Accept that words we say don't actually mean the meaning of the word, don't get offended just because we say 'leshe - as an insult' 'Carton- as cash card''Gallina - as chicken' and 'Pollo - as Vagina'

'Most Gibraltarians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.

Just because we do the Holy Communion and spend £1000 on costs of the day, don't look down at us. Just because 80% of the children doing Confirmation don't know what it means, don't look down at us. Just because thousands of us only visit the church for a Baptism, Communion or Wedding, don't make fun of us or accuse us of not believing.

'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why.

All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'

This includes having to attend your Friends Daughters Communion and giving her at least £20 cash in a card. This includes that if a child dressed in a communion dress approaches you and gives you a 'communion memory card' give her £5 in cash or 10 Euros will do.

This includes telling the child she looks gorgeous even though she looks horrible and this includes only attending church every 5 years.

'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Gibraltarian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'

If you aren't happy with the amount of traffic then leave.

If you aren't happy with being run over by motorbikes then leave.

If you aren't happy to be insulted by young kids on bike at 80mph then leave.

If you aren't happy that people stop you in the streets 123 times on the same day then leave.

If you aren't happy to see 63 women are wearing the same top as you then leave.

If you aren't happy that your neighbour is the brother of your father and his sister is the daughter of your cousin then leave.

If you aren't happy that we speak Spanish when its convenient for us then leave.

If you aren't happy that we only speak English when convenient for us then leave.

If you aren't happy that we only speak English and Spanish at the same time when convenient for us then leave.

If you aren't happy that Apes run through your rubbish in your estate then leave.

If you aren't happy that your child gets invited to 16 parties a week, then leave.

If you aren't happy that the Teacher of your child is your Husbands ex, then leave.

If you aren't happy that we get the car at McDonalds to go to St Bernards Hospital then leave.

If you aren't happy that we take 13 chairs, 6 Thermos, 16 Towels, 5 umbrellas, 86 sandwiches, 14 packet of biscuits and 20 bottles of orange to the beach then leave.

If you aren't happy that you cannot go to Catalan Bay because locals can execute you then leave.

If you aren't happy that you cant go to Rosia Bay because the tables have been taken from June 21st to Aug 31st, then leave.

If you aren't happy that dressing your child in fancy dress includes a 2mtr beanstalk then leave.

If you aren't happy that there is no parking in Gibraltar then leave.

If you aren't happy that the ICC Parking costs £1.10 per hour or less then leave.

If you aren't happy that your eardrums are infected by the loud music in cars, then leave.

'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'

I bet the English don't complain when they realise Cigarettes cost £1.20 and a pint £2.00. :) :)

Monday, March 16, 2009

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriendand I had been dating for over a year, and so wedecided to get married. There was only onelittle thing bothering me...It was her beautifulyounger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore verytight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. Shewould regularly bend down when she was nearme, and I always got more than a nice view. It had tobe deliberate. Because she never did it when she wasnear anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me tocome over to check the wedding invitations. She wasalone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that shehad feelings and desires for me that she couldn'tovercome. She told me that she wanted me just oncebefore I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and ifyou want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her goup the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turnedand made a beeline straight to the front door. Iopened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standingoutside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me andsaid, 'We are very happy that you have passed ourlittle test. We couldn't ask for a betterman for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Training for Men

How a real man takes off his underwear

Not hungry

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something: 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!'

Why do I feel this could be a gamble?


Lucky bikers

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west ofQueensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Why Seniors Break Their Hips

Blonde Joke

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on the chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid-ass, blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general..and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little b@stard on your knee' !!!

Great Jokes!

First one (:

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarketwhen they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'mlooking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to whereI was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm lookingfor my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a littledesperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What doesyour wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inchestall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and iswearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife looklike"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Second One (:

A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to England.

He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!

'The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.

'The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!

'This person says, 'I no British, me Polish.

'He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in England!

'This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India, I am not English!

'Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you English?

'She says,' No, I am from Africa!

'Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?

'The African lady checks her watch and says ...

' Probably at work!! '

Third One haha

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.

How'd you die?1st woman: I froze to death2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. Whatbout you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that myhusband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act Butinstead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewherethat I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the atticand searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closetand checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had lookedeverywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heartattack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'dboth still be alive..................

Last one!

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Best divorce letter ever

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw..

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that Ihad a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal andeven wore a brand new pair of silk panties. You ate intwo minutes, and went straight to sleep after watchingall of your shows.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't wantsex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-wife

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Spain together! Have a great life!

**********************************************************

Dear EX-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for sevenyears, although a good woman is a far cry from whatyou've been. I watch my shows so much because they drownout your constant whining and griping. Too bad thatdoesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but thefirst thing that came to mind was 'You look just like aboy'! Since my mother raised me not to say anything ifyou can't say something nice, didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must havegotten me confused with my brother, because I stoppedeating meat seven years ago.

About those new silk panties: I turned away from youbecause the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and Iprayed that it was a coincidence that my brother hadjust borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that wecould work it out. So when I hit the lottery for tenmillion pounds, I quit my job and bought us two ticketsto Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you
won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your EX-husband, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but mybrother Carl was born Caroline. I hope that's not aproblem.

Best Irish Joke in a long Time !!!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Damn,

'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be !'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. ' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too?'

DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date : You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?








DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

The difference between Hawaii and Hull

Hawaii!



















Hull!


Cowboy Up

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Two Girls need the Loo

Two girls need the loo.

Both being drunk, they go into a graveyard.
as there's no paper, one girl used her knickers, while the other girl grabbed a ribbon from
a wreath.

The next day, their husbands were talking.

"My wife came home with no knickers on last night", said one.

The other replied, "That's nothing! Mine came home with a card up her bum saying

'FROM THE LADS AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU'."

Nudist Colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me"

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.

"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Know Your Customers

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained

"When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good
sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to
speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...








First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.

And Then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.

"The hell it should have!? said the salesman. I didn't realize that Arabs read from right
to left”

LITTLE JOHNY STRIKES AGAIN

Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what
they are used for.

First pupil: 'Tylenol?'
Teacher: 'Very good! And what is it used for?'
Pupil: 'It is used for headaches'

Second pupil: 'Nytol Teacher'
Teacher: 'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
Pupil: 'To help you sleep'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: 'Viagra'
Teacher, slightly shocked: 'Johnny, What do you think is it used for?'
Johnny: 'It can be used for diarrhea'
Teacher: 'Who told you this?'
Johnny: 'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ...
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder'

I have finally fixed my computer!

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive,
fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software,
installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off
by my email provider, and a host of other problems...I have fixed my
computer...
and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!




Common European Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'.� This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this then?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!'

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this

Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the
parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe
they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!

Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to
confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me,

Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad, passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off
of your face.'

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to
his Priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in.

You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail

Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and
then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on
the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it
in!'

Irish Blonde

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousanddollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but Ifeel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Comeon, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop,she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, IWON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothesand quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY ~

Not all Irish are stupid..

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Lemonade Prank

Crying Sorority Girl

Girl sobs in a car about setting off the fire alarm while her friend tries to control her own laughter.

One of the funniest things I've seen in a long time!

"So many people do bad things, and I didn't mean to"

"Maybe I'll just sweep... I'LL SWEEP THE FLOOR!!"

"I just wanted to make it snow!"

**Back Story**
Apparently, she wanted to make the hallway appear that it had snow in it, so she decided to use a fire extinguisher (this is something that her dad has successfully done in the past). Instead of there just being a "little poof", the entire hallway filled with chemicals that caused the fire alarm to go off in the middle of the night during finals week.

Now this is her in the car upset that everyone at Alpha Chi (the sorority she wants to be in and presumably those who live where the fire alarm went off) hates her. She explains how she isn't a bad person and it was just an accident.

Source

Sat nav finds wrong Gibraltar

A Syrian lorry driver's satellite navigation system sent him 1600 miles off-course into rural Lincolnshire.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7518493.stm

Life Guard with sence of Humor

I challenge you NOT to go OWWWWWW!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

SOMETHING TO DISTRACT YOU ALL FROM YOUR FASCINATING OPINIONS

How to shower

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental not e to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!