Friday, February 27, 2009

BANANA TEST

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

a Lion,





a Chimpanzee





a Giraffe






and a Squirrel





who pass by.


They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.




So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds



Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.








If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Mongolian Disease

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom at all.A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
Vely lare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'

Sam the Bellhop

Golf Betrayal

Ford Trucks

Finally a valid and verifiable claim by a truck manufacturer

That clearly shows that his truck is superior to all the competition.


Read it and weep all you Chevy, GMC, Dodge, International,


Toyota and any other truck guys.


Here's positive proof that Ford trucks are built TOUGH


Lipstick in School (Priceless!)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington wasrecently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls werebeginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That wasfine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lipsto the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day thegirls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She calledall the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem forthe custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can justimagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she askedthe maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleanedthe mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on themirror.
There are teachers ... and then there are educators

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Fly Irish!

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself. 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'

Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought to himself. 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said 'Smooth as silk?'

This time, the woman turned on him and said, 'What the f**k do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said. 'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!'

Father O'Reilly

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Reilly rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Reilly at St.

Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would yebe so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...........................................

Father O'Reilly then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we

Are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'

The Absolute Best Little Johnnie Joke

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to
see the baby. Before they left their house,
Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much
mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears
or even said the word ears, he would get the
smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood
completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he
said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said,
'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet
and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and
really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so
thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz
he'd be fucked if he needed glasses'

Living Will




















I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Mexican food
Chocolate
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Chocolate
Chocolate
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

Have a Drink IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE

Can Your Dog Do This?

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Italian Chewing Gum

STIMULUS PLAN EXPLAINED

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO BETTER EXPLANATION OF THE "STIMULUS BILL" THAN THIS ONE. IT MAKES IT CLEAR AS A BELL .

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.

They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.

The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.

The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.

The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.

The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

The Dead Horse

Young Chuck in Alberta bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya going to do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

Dirty Old Men

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

The Best Answers of 2008!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 !!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. ' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .' The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it!

They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Bob sat up and watched me all night.

Brilliant !!! Let this be a warning Girls!!

GREENER GRASS!!! - tooooo Good One - A leason to learn....lol

Its important in life to reach out,
to strive for greater achievements,
to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence….But one must also be careful……

Sometimes you can reach too far!














But when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember........













Not everyone who shows up........ Is there to help you!!!!

Lion Down In The Shade...

You are a South African bush pilot working for Blue Sky Aviation.

You fly in some critical medical supplies; enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back aloft to the cooler upper atmosphere.

On the way back to your aircraft, you discover that the only bit of shade within 1 mile has become very popular.

You start estimating the distance to the aircraft door and wonder....

'Do I feel lucky today?'



Isn't THIS awesome ...

I think this qualifies as an 'oh shit' moment!

Decoy Plan Goes Bad

Popular New Ride at Texas State Fair

FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER!!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatev er the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE OLD FOLKS!!!

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse??

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

The Theory of Intelligence

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operates as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

YouTube - blowjob funny commercial "banned"

Towel Waving

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Newfoundland community.

After several months, Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Newfie women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy Doctor anywhere in Burin.

The Vet didn't have a clue of course, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to get a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and hopefully climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Marystown to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Marilyn still hadn't climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet thought maybe Marilyn should change partners let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and, in a boasting voice, said:

"I 'opes' youse was paying attention,’.’Cause dat, me son, is how you waves a towel!"

The $100 TATTOO

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Judy, says, 'Where in the hell have you been'?

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo'.

A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

I got two $50 notes on my p * nis,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking'? She said, shaking her head in disdain.

'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollars tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want'.

Larry is recovering in ward 23.

Door Frame- this is cute

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND
YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST
A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND
DATED THE MARK? WELL,THIS
CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO
THAT EXERCISE! LAUGHTER
WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART!
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED NOW!!!


NOW LAUGH.....

LITTLE Mark ON MATHS

LITTLE Mark ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE MARK ON MATHS (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE M ARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."

Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.20The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one choc bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"
Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!

IRS Audit

At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles.

What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a ractical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi.

'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when the 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. What made the monkey cry?
A. Paul Lynde: ..learning that Tarzan swings both ways.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. Charley, what story began with the discovery of magic beans?
A. Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind!

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. Which measurement was larger for the first Miss America, bust or hips?
A. Charley Weaver: Well, out at 'The Home', we have one of the first Miss Americas, and her bust meets her hips!

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. You're watching balls going back and forth at speeds of up to 170 miles per hour. In what sport?
A. Joan Rivers: Jogging!

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. If you're eating spaghetti the Italian way, what is in your left hand?
A. Paul Lynde: A fly swatter.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. What is a woman's most effective weapon?
A. Paul Lynde: ... a pair of 38's ...

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Don't give lotto tickets as gifts

Women Drivers??

CAKE OR BED?

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN

ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR

WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT

WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER

GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY
FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

How Far Will a Condom Stretch? This is incredible!!!!

To all you parents - Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of ‘those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
Your Friend

Unusual Speed Control Idea

Friday, February 13, 2009

THE WHYS OF MEN 9

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

THE WHYS OF MEN 8

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

THE WHYS OF MEN 7

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

THE WHYS OF MEN 6

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

THE WHYS OF MEN 5

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

THE WHYS OF MEN 4

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

THE WHYS OF MEN 3

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

THE WHYS OF MEN 2

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER
DURING SEX?
(because they are
plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING
SEX?
(they don't have enough
time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1
MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE
WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


(You're laughing,
aren't you?!?!) YES!!


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN
LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so
they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE
WOMEN?
(you need a rough
draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO
PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)


( C'mon guys, we laugh at your
blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

FINALLY, OVERALLS THAT FIT!

Just ask for the ' TENNESSEE CUT'

















KEEP ON SCROLLIN'

Brand new edition of....


'You know you're a redneck when.......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Spanish words of the day

The teacher told Pepito to use certain English words in a sentence. Here are Pepito's replies:

1. *Cheese* - Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she g ot herpes.

6. *July* - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum* - I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken* - I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11 *Harassment* - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Brief* - Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.

All of the Obama's off to the White House


SEX FOR ELDERS

After at least 55 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the wife felt her husband fondling her in ways he hadn't in some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started on her neck, then caressed her shoulders and began moving down past the small of her back. Slowly, he moved his hand over her breasts stopping just over her lower stomach. He proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressing past the side of her breast again working down her side, passing gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf. Then he stopped, rolled over, and was silent.

Aroused by this caressing, she asked in a lovely voice,

'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He replied, 'I found the remote.

US Visa Interview with Arab

US Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Aziz.

US Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to ten times a week.

US Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: Both male and female and sometimes even camels.

US Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!!

US Consul: Man, isn't it hostile?
Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style.

Consul: Oh… dear!
Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast.

Grandpa Loves the New Video Phone

$10,000 Phone call

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Spain to see if the Spanish had the same phone. He arrived at Costa Rica and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40c per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Spain now, son - it's a local call'.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ya gotta laugh at kids

It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called 'add to the picture'. The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.The teacher called on James to start things off.














James returned to his seat.
The teacher called on Ernie next.















Ernie returned to his seat.
Now it was Suzy's turn.















Suzy returned to her seat.
Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.














Jerry returned to his seat.
Kim was called to the board.















Kim returned to her seat.
About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being off centre, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.















The entire class erupted with laughter... the
Teacher fainted.Little Johnny had done it again!!

Top Of The Morning To You

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said,

'Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,

'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.

My wife won twice last week.'

Brazilian Bums

IT'S NO GOOD COMPLAINING!

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Incredible this guys got BALLS

AUSTRALIAN RULES

Las Vegas, Nevada (January 1, 2008)

Telecast live on ESPN’s New Year, No Limits program shortly after the balldropped in Times Square signifying 2008, Maddison hit the take-off rampat 94 miles per hour on his Honda CR 500, reaching a height of more than 60 feet, and soared into history.

"I came here to jump a football field," said Maddison. "Conditions weren’tperfect, but I’m happy with the result. Yesterday in rehearsal, I went350 feet and I knew 360 feet was achievable. We did all we could, butthe winds played a bigger factor than we planned. But this is calledthe Red Bull Experiment, and we didn’t know what the outcome would be.I just want to thank everyone that made this jump possible and a bigthanks to all the fans who came out to support me. This is just thebeginning."

A who’s who of action and motorsports superstarscheered Maddo on, including Olympic gold medalist Shaun White, 2006MotoGP World Champion Nicky Hayden, Olympic gold medalist Amanda Beardand the family of the late Evel Knievel, to whom Maddison dedicated hisworld record-breaking feat.

Maddison, who hails from the town of Kiama, two hours south of Sydney, has achieved tremendous success in the freestyle motocross world and is also the owner of two additional world records.

Other notable guests in attendance included five-time 500cc Grand Prix World Champion Mick Doohan, AMA Superbike racers Ben and Eric Bostrom, freestyle motocrossers Tommy Clowers, Mike Metzger and Ronnie Faisst, former motocross racer Ernesto Fonseca, X Games BMX Big Air gold medalist Kevin Robinson, skateboard legend Danny Way, big wave surf legend Ross Clarke Jones, snowboard superstar TravisRice, NASCAR driver Scott Speed and skateboarder Jake Brown.

Australian motocross superstar Robbie Maddison literally leapt into thepages of the Guinness Book of World Records by jumping his motorcycle322 feet 7½ inches over the length of a regulation football field toshatter the previous record of 277 feet at the Rio All-Suite Hotel& Casino in Las Vegas. The jump was the first-ever Red BullExperiment, which involves world-class athletes attempting world-firstathletic achievements.– for the longest jump on a 125cc motorcycle (221 feet) and the longest jump with a trick (246 feet).

Source: www.robbiemaddison.com

Why kids need pets

Another new illness to watch out for!

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my ass coming into work today.






Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these real children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists..

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?(Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Little Johnny, at it again

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort oftouches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop iseverywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

You're laughing aren't you....

I know you are!!!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Fast Sex, This is funny

Dougie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else.

One day Dougie got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Dougie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.

So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Politically correct -- what a HOOT!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

(SOUNDS LIKE SHE WORKED AT AN INSURANCE CO.BEFORE SHE GOT A REAL JOB)

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Female terminology

Dear Mum and Dad

Dear Mum and Dad,

You'll be happy to hear that I have left my black boyfriend.
I know you both didn't approve of him because of his raceAnd the fact that he is ten years older than me.

I have found, as you suggested, a nice white English boy the sameage as me, while touring in Germany.

Attached is a recent photo of the two of us.

He's looking forward to meeting you both.
Your loving daughter,
Mary

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly















A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies'He responded.

'Oh! Killing any?'

She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

















Intrigued, she asked.

'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,

3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Wilkinson Commercial

http://www.ffk-wilkinson.com/intl/

Irish Confessions...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The Priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The Priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The Priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession #2

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The Priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The Priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The Priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession #3

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. I'm telling everybody.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon's Dog Has Died......

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish Priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ye' be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ye' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye' tell me the dog was Catholic?'

Streptease TOTAL...

Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids t o a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'

Tornado hits Gibraltar

Thursday 5th February 2009.

Gibraltar was hit by a huge tornado that came down from Spain. Everyone especially the Rock Apes was affected. Proof of this below!

Check out the Gibraltar weather before visiting the place.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Funny Clips

Married life - these are hysterical

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

Expensive, so I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ’Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

Chinese Co-Pilot

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot,'....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic says the co-pilot.'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah...allie same.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A laugh for the day! - Miscommunication

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it.

I'd left before he finished the note.
*
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

If she hasn't yet she will soon!

If she hasn't yet she will soon!

True but, the Aroma may put the Lion off?

East Coast chuckle

Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches, but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend George the lifeguard for advice.

'It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey're years outta style.Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes toosmall, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye,man...ye 'll have all de babes ye wants !'

The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tightSpeedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgustedas he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, lookingsick!

Bob went back to George the lifeguard and and asked him, 'What's wrongnow? '

'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George, ' the potato goes in thefront!!'

Beer Commercial

If women act like men

Cowboy Chili...

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Albany, Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

Women’s corner

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do
I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied..
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumuor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
------------ ----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------

Census from Saskatchewan

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . '
'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?' The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'

House Calls

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a
doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his
rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been little sick to my
stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the
fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if
that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that
woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the
floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen
banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try
that at the next house.

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with
a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the church,' the
younger doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your
diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and
when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex

Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading this website..........

You hang in there sunshine.......

Great T-shirt!


I don't need sex
The Government Fucks me every day!

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Origin of The Tarzan Yell

THE ORIGIN OF THE TARZAN YELL...

Men!!!!!! -- Hmmm so True LOL!!

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
Them.

4. Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure
Why.

5. Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
For your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they
Say.

7. Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like
Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to
Mature.

9. Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of
Emotion.

10. Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
Inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
Handicapped.