Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora . . . the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Monday, May 18, 2009

ACTUAL ' CALL CENTER ' CALLS

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'


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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

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Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?

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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'

Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'

Computer Problem

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

Toilet pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."

What's all the screaming about in there ?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers !"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"

The Other Stall














Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,

I stop at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:


"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,


"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:


"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:


"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.


"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them


"No...I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Friday, May 8, 2009

Chelsea Football Club New Sponsor

Latest News on the Champions League Game - Chelsea v Barcelona.

Straight after the Barcelona Champions League game, Chelsea Football Club has announced this morning they have signed a 3 year deal with a new sponsor.

LastMinute.com

Tom Tom

Latest News on the Champions League Game - Chelsea v Barcelona.

Just been informed that Tom-Tom has recalled all it's GPS models as apparently there is a glitch with them...

Apparently Chelsea in London was just 2 minutes from Rome

Hahahahaha...

www.JokesLOL.com

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Funny Pictures

Hi Guys,

I have just come across this great website which has many funny pictures. (Click on the title of this message to go to it)

Feel free to visit it any time and leave your comments here for JokesLOL.com viewers.

Thanks & Enjoy!

www.JokesLOL.com Team

Can your pecker touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks, “Can I have a beer Gramps?”

Gramps replies, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

The little boy answered, “No Gramps, it’s just a little pecker.”

Gramps says, “Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer.”

A little later Gramps lights a cigar.

The little boy asks, “Can I have a cigar, Gramps?”

Once again Gramps asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

Once again the little boy replies, “No Gramps, it’s too little.”

Gramps replies, “Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar.”

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Gramps asks, “Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?”

The boys asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”

Laughing, Gramps replies, “Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass!”

The little boy replies, “Then go fuck yourself. Gramma made these for me.”

La mamada

Están tres amigas y compañeras de trabajo tomando café en la oficina, haciendo una pausa, ya sabes. Y charlando de sus cosas. Hasta que una dice:

'Me pasa una cosa curiosa con mi Juan, después de hacerle una mamada, al tocarle los huevos, los tiene fríos, muy fríos, y eso siempre me ha hecho gracia, por lo curioso.

Interviene otra: 'de curioso nada, que a mi Pedro le pasa lo mismo..'

Ambas se quedan mirando a la tercera y la preguntan: ¿Y a tu Antonio? ¿le pasa lo mismo a él?

Esta tercera amiga, un poco sonrojada por lo íntimo de la pregunta, se arma de valor contesta: 'No sé, yo no hago esas cosas, no me gusta'.

Las otras dos amigas, se ríen ante proceder de su compañera y le dicen:

Pero no seas tonta... mira que es mejor que se lo hagas tú a que lo busque por ahí, que nunca se sabe..... además, a todos los hombres les gusta.

La tercera amiga, agobiada y preocupada a partes iguales por los lógicos razonamientos de sus compañeras decide darles la razón y practicarle una felación a su Antonio.

El lunes, en la pausa del café, vuelven a coincidir las tres, y le preguntan: '¿Cómo te fue, se lo hiciste?, ¿le gustó?, ¿y a ti?'

Entonces la chica, se quita las gafas de sol y se ve que tiene el ojo amoratado de un buen puñetazo o golpe o.... lo que sea, pero estaba claro que el Antonio le había pegado una hostia terrible.

Y le preguntan: 'Pero ¿qué te ha hecho?, ¿no le gusto?, ¿se la mordiste, chiquilla?

Y la pobre mujer contesta: No, nada de eso, si hasta me felicitó por el trabajillo, y le encantó, lo que no le gustó es que al terminar, le toqué los huevos y le dije:

¡anda!... fíjate, tú los tienes calientes, no como Juan y Pedro, que los tienen fríos después de una mamada!!.

Cooter and Gomer





















Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

www.JokesLOL.com

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Scottish Divorce

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..

www.JokesLOL.com

Bells

Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude,in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model dancedbefore them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told thatanyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordainedbecause he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests untilshe got to the final priest, Timmy. Poor Timmy.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clatteringacross the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Timmyquickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up..........then all the other bells started to ring.

www.JokesLOL.com

Human anatomy

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

www.JokesLOL.com

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

www.JokesLOL.com

Monday, April 27, 2009

FUNN-EEE!!! 'Dead Dog'

www.JokesLOL.com

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Little Ralphy (aka: Jerry Lassen)

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked so beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.'

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

www.JokesLOL.com

Things money cannot buy...

www.JokesLOL.com

Detectives

www.JokesLOL.com

Pretty good, I got a kick out of them

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

------------------------------ -----

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun? What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say?' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.

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And, my favorite is: LOL

The graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

www.JokesLOL.com

The Priest

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'

All the men stood up.

'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'

All the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'

Half the women stood up.

'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.

Has anybody seen MY cock?'

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

Clock for Retirees


The Kind lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding home in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,

'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer instructed.

They all squeezed in, which proved no easy task, even for a car as large as the lawyer's limousine!

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place......

The grass is almost a foot high'

This had me crying it's so funny

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether
sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t
yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera
peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I
was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to
by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure
of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest
being paint and supplies to refinish the den.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in
for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of
the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain
that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,
this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
their way through the small intestines, forcing their way
into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has
never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear
that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of
it, just as an red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked
if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what
his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that
refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and
I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could
do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new
guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few
folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I
raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying
down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before
the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the
toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One
poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is
the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell
that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping
when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you
might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual
gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more
bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say
anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

Happy 50th Barbie

It's about time this happened to her....


Friday, April 24, 2009

Living in 2009

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Tarzan meet Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here..'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her hard in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.

The best answer yet!!!!!!

The best answer yet!!!!!!

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Read this plz

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Alright Ladies. Forward this if you agree. Hell even if you disagree, forward it anyway.

Men, forward this if you have guts !!!!

www.JokesLOL.com

HUGE Russian TV Fight



www.JokesLOL.com

Larry King Live (Interviews Susan Boyle and Piers Morgan ) of Britains Got Talent-4-17-09.Part-1of2

Perfect example of 'Never judge a book by its cover' :)

Well done Susan.

All the best from all of us at www.JokesLOL.com

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

BEHOLD A WOMAN..........Quote of the day

Behold the Woman

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her...

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

Crisco

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, 'Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'

Your e-mails to me!

I am showing this to everyone who sends me e-mails.

One of you sent a virus.


It is a very severe virus.


Look what it did to my mouse.

Blonde GUY Joke

An Irishman, aMexicanand aBlonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,I ' m going to jump off this building. '

The Mexican! Opened his lunch box and exclaimed,'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I ' m going to jump off, too. '

The blonde opened his lunch and said,' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too. '

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral,the Irishman ' s wife was weeping. She said, ' If I ' d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! '

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, ' I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn' t realize he hated burritos so much. '

(Oh this is SO GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife..The blond's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Beer

Harry the Eagle

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead as her feathers were required to make a ceremonial head dress for a native american indian!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.

This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....



(scroll down)



NO, The duck didn't say THAT



.... Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Underwear Dust?



















One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Janet !', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

A gynaecologist

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The World's Best Short Joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet", she replied..

www.JokesLOL.com

Trust the wife!

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.

'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting a new kitchen.

www.JokesLOL.com

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Last Drop

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay", grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for Revenue Canada.”

www.JokesLOL.com

Shii

www.JokesLOL.com

Popsickle treats for the kids

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year oldson in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle andtell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan intooperation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced,
'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they are having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

www.JokesLOL.com

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

www.JokesLOL.com

Sounds like Good Idea - 'The Obedient Wife'

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. L

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down
and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.
'I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a Cheque....
If he can cash it,

then he can spend it.'

www.JokesLOL.com

Car dealership incentives

www.JokesLOL.com

These are GENUINE Classified Ads

These classified ads were really put in the paper

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £200 or
best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f *****g everything.

www.JokesLOL.com

Bert's New Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for
the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert,
what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,it'll
be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?'

'No', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING
AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

’You should’ve bought a hat’

Aunt Mildred

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'



Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.

How A Real Man Uses a Post-it Note

Think You've Seen It All?

I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY:

"PUT A ZIP IN IT."


Cow Economics

After the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown it seems economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category. Well, we can now simplify this all by explaining twenty-one (21) basic economic models:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

AN INVESTMENT BANK
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet is provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have forty-two cows.
You count them again and learn you have two cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have five thousand cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have three-hundred people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reports the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the shit out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A KENTUCKY CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to a bar to celebrate.

Royal Canadian Mounted Police in action

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. and Talks with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'

Reaching into his rear pants pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land in Canada.'.

No questions asked, or explanations given.
'Have I made myself Clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his Tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your f#*!’n badge !!!!!!! "

Parvinder and Habib

Parvinder and Habib are panhandlers...They panhandle in different areas of Surrey BC

Habib panhandles just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib says to Parvinder "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Parvinder says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Habib's sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Parvinder says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"

Habib says... "So what does your sign say?"

Parvinder shows Habib his sign....

It reads, "I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Starbucks employee of the month

Tribal Wisdom

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE . .

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied:
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that

The Great Irish Sausage Caper

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage..

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pintsof Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Queen is Indian!!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a
sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several
possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the
more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the
most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it
on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have
an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for
$500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at noon. Closed casket.

A joke or two

A salesman on business in Vegas is in a bar. He is talking to a pretty woman for about a half hour when he realizes she is a hooker.

"I'll give you $200 for a mediocre blow job," he says.

"Honey," she replies, "for $200 I'll give you the blow job of a lifetime!"

"You don't understand," he says, "I'm not horny, just home-sick."
______________

Darling," cooed the wife sweetly over morning coffee, "do you remember those trout you spent two weeks fishing for back in April?" "Sure," mumbled her husband through his newspaper. "Well," she continued, "one of them called last night to say you're going to he a father."
____________

Girl: Forgive me father for I have sinned.
Priest: What have you done my child?
Girl: I called a man a son of a bitch.
Priest: Why did you call him a son of a bitch?
Girl: Because he touched my hand.
Priest: Like this? (as he touches her hand)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he touched my breast.
Priest: Like this? (as he touched her breast)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he took off my clothes, father.
Priest: Like this? (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: Yes father.
Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.
Priest: Like this? (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!
Priest: (after a few minutes): Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.
Girl: But father he had AIDS!
Priest: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
_________________

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks,

"Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God isboth male and female."

This confuses the little boy so he asks,
"Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks,
"Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none theless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and hetriumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
__________

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to thecrowd of drinkers. He says,

"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints ofGuinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back upand taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says it is and asks the bartender to line up 10 pintsof Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of thepint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mindme askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down thestreet to see if I could do it first".
____________

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store.

He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular saleswoman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. Then he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar!

I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" shouted Oscar. "No," she replied,

"I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

A Canadian blonde's definition of Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

Top four adult jokes.....

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory..

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

The first pole Dance

The Rat

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat,

You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!'

Blonde

Colin, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Colin and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Colin says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Colin placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive
off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Colin, saying, 'Fair's
fair. Here's your money.'

Colin replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I
knew he would jump.'

The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Colin took the money....

Saturday, April 4, 2009

I'll slap her I swear - Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do Not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'

12) The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Crazy, Dumb, Yanks?

Why men shouldn't buy their own underwear...

0 to 200 in 6 seconds....

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really ticked.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

In walks the dog

So ....
there you are, having a dinner party.....
Your parents are there,
Your in-laws Are there,
Your boss and his wife are there,
The minister and his wife are there,
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing
evening dinner, Then in walks the dog....
.

.

.

.

.

.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The result of the G20 summit?


Side by Side

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck... get the f..k away from me."

The Dentist's appointment

Every once in a while you run into a genius is this you?

















Hi Guys,

Every now and again you come across a genius. Well… drinking 5 beers like this is certainly something to consider for the genius books!!!

Help me find this guy.

I’m giving away an iPod to the person that does find this guy.

Just post a comment when you and this person are both added to JokesLOL facebook group and I’ll send you the iPod straight away :)

Good Luck with your hunting.

Great invention???

Heartwarming!!!


















In 1988, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1988, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and smashed the shit out of him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on theairplane when the stranger turned to her and said,'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if youstrike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closedit slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would youlike to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How aboutnuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet adeer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out aflat patty, and a horse produces clumps of driedgrass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl'sintelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I haveno idea..'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feelqualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't knowshit?

Killing Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find herhusband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"She asked.

"Hunting Flies"He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

Traffic Cam

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Resolutions you can make and actually realise

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

One Joke per state

Hawaii
Hawaii's joke is they keep raising the prices, and the tourists still come -- and none of the actual natives get a penny of benefit.

Idaho
Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:

Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

Illinois
This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough." --Richard Jeni

Indiana
How boring is Indiana? The entire state is so boring that no one has ever bothered to make up a good joke about the state.

Iowa
What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas
What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.

Kentucky
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana
What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Maine
After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. "Good," said the farmer. "I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."

Maryland
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?" "Sure, buddy," says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"
The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!”

Friday, March 27, 2009

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


What were you Thinking?...

Her husband speaks English!

The Flasher


Wish List

What I Want In A Man!

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car…
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10.. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.