Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Tact and Diplomacy

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch my favorite program, but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.

Monday, December 29, 2008

YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Condi Rice was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush. She answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we
have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an
aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people
three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE
ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.' You could have heard a pin drop.

CHOICE

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.Think before you continue reading

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However , you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.

'Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER..

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

What a coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

I would never trade my amazing friends!












I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.


As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.?


I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.


Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.











I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.










I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.?

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it).?

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!






Wednesday, December 24, 2008

You've Been Elved!!

Life is all about BUTTS

You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Or behaving like one .

That's right, you've been ' elfed ' . Pass this on to as many people as possible, but you can't send it back to the person who sent it to you.

He who elfs last, elfs loudest!!!!

My Car




No Inquiry


Bush Shoe!


Director of What?


Good or Bad News?




Christmas Balls


Super Man


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Its tough getting old!

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'? The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Day at the Zoo

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and he gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS?

ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS
Which one would you rather have?
PARKINSONS of course!
Better to spill half your drink than forget where the f*#k you put it!

Speed isn't Everything

Silvio Brlusconi

Office Work

Office Prank

Better than scoring

Front Door to your house

Bob keeping fit

Surprise!

Rat Monster

LITTLE MARK ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied,

"The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

3 Euros

Sicilia Autostop

Careful with Viagra!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Girls Night Out!

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a £10 note.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the £10 note and stuck it to his bum cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a £20 note.
She called the guy back , licks the £20 note, and sticks it to his other bum cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,
my third friend pulls out a £50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the £50 note.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his bum cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me. Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the £50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his bum, grabbed the eighty quid, and left!!!!

The Black Hole

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­!!!

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear ' the rules'

>From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseballor golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

18 Year Old Girl

18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?

'At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'

Bagdad Striptease

BBC Cops

Domino Billards

Glow in the Dark!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dog Mission!

Iraki Dive

Revenge.

Male Compassion - BRILLIANT

Gina returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband Pat that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love to her.

Of course he agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later Gina went to him again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Pat agreed and again they made love.

Later Gina was getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. She touched Pat's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' he agreed, then afterward he rolled over and fell asleep.

Gina, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up.

Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?
'Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, 'Listen Gina',
I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

Sperm Army


OMG WTF


The search is over.


Chicken or Egg?


Pete?


Mmmm... Nope!


Who Needs AirBags!


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE!

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £ 20, even though it's only for £ 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £ 2 for a £ 1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £ 1 for a £ 2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Pero te quiero

Hungry?


England!

A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to England.

He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!

'The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.

'The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK!

'This person says, 'I no British, me Polish.

'He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in England!

'This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India, I am not English!

'Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you English?

'She says,' No, I am from Africa!

'Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?

'The African lady checks her watch and says ...

' Probably at work!! '

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Women

Dan was an only child. He was unmarried and lived at home with his widower father with whom we worked in the family business.

When he found out his father had less than a year to live and that he was going to inherit the family business and his father’s entire wealth, he decided he needed a wife with whom he could share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but within the next year, my father will die and I'll inherit £200 million.

'Impressed, the woman spent the evening with him. She was bright, warm and very interested in his family business. She made a point of obtaining his business card before she left that evening and three days later, at a private ceremony attended by just close family......she became his stepmother.

Haven’t you always thought that women are so much better at financial planning than men!

What Old People Do For Fun!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

When a Japanese Baby is Born

Cow Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISMYou have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISMYou have two giraffes.The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISMYou have two cows.You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.No balance sheet provided with the release.The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You count them and learn you have five cows.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATIONYou have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATIONEveryone thinks you have lots of cows.You tell them that you have none.No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy….

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Business seems pretty good.You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATIONYou have two cows.The one on the left looks very attractive.