Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Join me in the bath?

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.

'The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.

'When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi, Keith!'

Credit Crunch

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the fu*king price'

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Ask yourself!

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs! If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on……. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Quoate of the Day

"I don't mind coming to work,

But that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch."

T-G-I-F or S-H-I-T

A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again said, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, " 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.' "

Grandma in Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if theyaren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you , Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot whenyou haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything morethan a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointedacross the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since hewas a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practiceis one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on hiswife with three different women. One of them was your wife.Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselorsto approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either ofyou f**___**g idiots asks her if she knows me, I' ll send you to theelectric chair."

Support Group

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and remain cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a drug on the market called 'Beer.

'The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in cans,bottles, or from taps and in large 'kegs'.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman only needs to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.

'In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.'

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it,there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the Yellow Pages.

For a video to see how beer works click here:Beer Demo

<<http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf>>

Men Are Just Happier people

What do you expect when:

Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your underwear is £3.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
You don't care if your bum looks big in 'this'
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier

Two Guys in Supermarket

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket
when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
I was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches
tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is
wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look
like"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Two Women Talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia.

How'd you die?1st woman: I froze to death
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. Whatbout you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that myhusband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act Butinstead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewherethat I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the atticand searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closetand checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had lookedeverywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heartattack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'dboth still be alive..................

An old Italian Mafia Don

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.""

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, 'Times Up'?"