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Thursday, February 21, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD?..
Well, it's shit... That's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, And tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes your breath smells like shit
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!
HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, And tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shinola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes your breath smells like shit
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit
and hope you had a nice day without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!
HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
NO Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
I worry about you
Sometimes!
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Monday, May 28, 2012
Sexual harassment
A male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
"What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
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Thursday, May 24, 2012
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back
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Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Actual School Answering Machine
All schools should adopt this recording.
ACTUAL School answering machine. Australia has done it again. This is hysterical.
The first 15-20 seconds of this video has no sound -- wait for the telephone ringing.
ACTUAL School answering machine. Australia has done it again. This is hysterical.
The first 15-20 seconds of this video has no sound -- wait for the telephone ringing.
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Gibraltar's own Social Network
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Three Dogs
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
"So why are you here?"
The Black Lab replied,
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids ! You name it I'll piss on it ! But the final straw came about last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, I'll hump the pillow, hump the table, hump fence posts, whatever it is I want to hump it ! I want to hump everything I see. You name it I'll hump it !"
"Yesterday my lady owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
No just a slight trim on the nails!
GibBook.com - Gibraltar's own Social Network
"So why are you here?"
The Black Lab replied,
"I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids ! You name it I'll piss on it ! But the final straw came about last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, I'll hump the pillow, hump the table, hump fence posts, whatever it is I want to hump it ! I want to hump everything I see. You name it I'll hump it !"
"Yesterday my lady owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
No just a slight trim on the nails!
GibBook.com - Gibraltar's own Social Network
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Vasectomy
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure, a beautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes.
When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on a table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then removes all of her clothes, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the seminal vessels are easier for the surgeon to locate and
sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall, the patient sees six men in a room, all of whom are masturbating.
Curiosity prompts the man to ask, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "You have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
GibBook.com - Gibraltar's own Social Network
Before the procedure, a beautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes.
When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on a table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then removes all of her clothes, climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the seminal vessels are easier for the surgeon to locate and
sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall, the patient sees six men in a room, all of whom are masturbating.
Curiosity prompts the man to ask, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "You have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
GibBook.com - Gibraltar's own Social Network
Friday, May 18, 2012
Classmate
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!, WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50+ YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT A$,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
GibBook.com - Gibraltar's own Social Network
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50+ YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT A$,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME,
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
GibBook.com - Gibraltar's own Social Network
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