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Gibraltar Social Network
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
GibBook article on 'The Gibraltar Magazine' Feb '11 edition
Gibbook.com: the social network for familiar faces
Think global. Now think local. Now think Yanito, and you have the recipe for the social network designed as one-stop portal to all that is red & white.
Gibbook.com was launched in late November 2010 not to compete with, but as one cosy, warm, familiar, healthy and passionate alternative to, other social networks, with the extra bonus of the specific local slant, although it does not restrict membership to geographical or birthright grounds, and anyone interested in Gibraltarian life can join up.
Gibbook.com is pretty much focused on anything and everything Gibraltarian, from members to advertisement, from weather to diary, from news to discussions which colloquially flow in a saucy mixture of English and Spanish.
Founder and administrator Alfred Ballester, a thirty-year old marketing agent for a local gaming company, admits there still are some teething pains to overcome: the web design could definitely use a boost, because the format is too plain and somehow confusing, but the main features were set up from inception, while the infrastructure is bound to ever-growth, the more users it gets, and the more suggestions they put forward on what they want and need from it.
One innovative facility Gibbook.com offers is the video and audio chat similar to Skype connection for the chatroom, which means users can actually make themselves seen and heard laughing out loud, instead of just typing LOL!
Strong of his six-year experience in the field, and his keen interest in anything that brings people closer as a community, Alfred is very proud of this achievement, which he describes as ‘a new form of entertainment on the Rock’, and whose implications are all the pros of hanging out with friends face to face, without having to physically drive to each other’s house, or to the pub on a stormy night.
Does it sound alienating, stripping Third Millennium’s Homo sapiens of the ability of traditional social interaction? Perhaps, but plenty of websites out there do it already, so why not narrowing it down to the devil we know? Anyways, it is up to the individual to find the right balance between reality and virtual reality.
The devil’s advocate might argue that Gibbook.com is redundant, considering the success that Facebook is having locally, with groups about Gibraltar popping out every day. Yet, Alfred believes it isn’t: statistics prove that whoever is hooked to the fad tends to have accounts with more than one social network, and post their comments, videos and photos on one or the other depending on the friends they have in them.
Furthermore, because everyone knows everyone in Gibraltar, the forum is guaranteed to be kept urbane, free of the cyber-bullying some people experience on worldwide sites, since it virtually polices itself, and anyone can report abuse and possibly be personally acquainted with the abuser.
Although pseudonyms are common on Gibbook.com to the point it is tricky to connect to friends, because often you cannot actually work out who is behind the wacky profile photo and the cryptic nicknames, the administrator can access everyone’s data and issue a warning to anyone who misbehaves and kick them out if recidivist.
Even if it is designed to be a safe, friendly and casual environment for Yanito eyes only, the website is available worldwide to anyone with an interest in Gibraltar, which prompts Alfred to remind everyone not to post confidential information on it or, worse still, party political slander.
Gibbook.com wasn’t built up from scratch, but uses a platform provided by a reputable UK company, whose marketing director Alfred knows personally; hence it can be operated from Alfred’s laptop, as a hobby.
An expensive hobby maybe, but not a too time-consuming one, in a day and age when everyone is hooked on gadgets for mobile and electronic communication.
Not at all the stereotypical nerd, Alfred is not interested in informatics – although he knows what he’s doing thanks to a course in HTML programming – as much as in the sociological and economical ramifications of search engine rules, for example how a firm or an individual can drastically improve their rankings just by re-wording their homepage pitch, or strategically placing links and pictures.
He measures the success of his brainchild not only on the number of subscriptions (anyone can just sign up just out of curiosity and then forget about it!) but on the amount of members logged in daily, and the time they are actively logged in for.
And it’s a ‘virtual circle’: the more users sign up, both individuals and associations, the better the service will get, since he hopes Gibraltarian firms will take advantage of Gibbook.com’s popularity to advertise on it and help out with maintenance costs - without making it a free-for-all spamville...
So far, small adverts can indeed be posted for free, and cultural events will always be, with the purpose of reaching out to the wider possible audience.
Pretty much work in progress, Alfred dreams Gibbook.com will be one day grow to a comprehensive tool for Gibraltar’s social life.
In the meantime he’s reached the ambitious target of 1,000 subscribers in less than a month, and donated £250 to the GBC Open Day.
GibBook
Think global. Now think local. Now think Yanito, and you have the recipe for the social network designed as one-stop portal to all that is red & white.
Gibbook.com was launched in late November 2010 not to compete with, but as one cosy, warm, familiar, healthy and passionate alternative to, other social networks, with the extra bonus of the specific local slant, although it does not restrict membership to geographical or birthright grounds, and anyone interested in Gibraltarian life can join up.
Gibbook.com is pretty much focused on anything and everything Gibraltarian, from members to advertisement, from weather to diary, from news to discussions which colloquially flow in a saucy mixture of English and Spanish.
Founder and administrator Alfred Ballester, a thirty-year old marketing agent for a local gaming company, admits there still are some teething pains to overcome: the web design could definitely use a boost, because the format is too plain and somehow confusing, but the main features were set up from inception, while the infrastructure is bound to ever-growth, the more users it gets, and the more suggestions they put forward on what they want and need from it.
One innovative facility Gibbook.com offers is the video and audio chat similar to Skype connection for the chatroom, which means users can actually make themselves seen and heard laughing out loud, instead of just typing LOL!
Strong of his six-year experience in the field, and his keen interest in anything that brings people closer as a community, Alfred is very proud of this achievement, which he describes as ‘a new form of entertainment on the Rock’, and whose implications are all the pros of hanging out with friends face to face, without having to physically drive to each other’s house, or to the pub on a stormy night.
Does it sound alienating, stripping Third Millennium’s Homo sapiens of the ability of traditional social interaction? Perhaps, but plenty of websites out there do it already, so why not narrowing it down to the devil we know? Anyways, it is up to the individual to find the right balance between reality and virtual reality.
The devil’s advocate might argue that Gibbook.com is redundant, considering the success that Facebook is having locally, with groups about Gibraltar popping out every day. Yet, Alfred believes it isn’t: statistics prove that whoever is hooked to the fad tends to have accounts with more than one social network, and post their comments, videos and photos on one or the other depending on the friends they have in them.
Furthermore, because everyone knows everyone in Gibraltar, the forum is guaranteed to be kept urbane, free of the cyber-bullying some people experience on worldwide sites, since it virtually polices itself, and anyone can report abuse and possibly be personally acquainted with the abuser.
Although pseudonyms are common on Gibbook.com to the point it is tricky to connect to friends, because often you cannot actually work out who is behind the wacky profile photo and the cryptic nicknames, the administrator can access everyone’s data and issue a warning to anyone who misbehaves and kick them out if recidivist.
Even if it is designed to be a safe, friendly and casual environment for Yanito eyes only, the website is available worldwide to anyone with an interest in Gibraltar, which prompts Alfred to remind everyone not to post confidential information on it or, worse still, party political slander.
Gibbook.com wasn’t built up from scratch, but uses a platform provided by a reputable UK company, whose marketing director Alfred knows personally; hence it can be operated from Alfred’s laptop, as a hobby.
An expensive hobby maybe, but not a too time-consuming one, in a day and age when everyone is hooked on gadgets for mobile and electronic communication.
Not at all the stereotypical nerd, Alfred is not interested in informatics – although he knows what he’s doing thanks to a course in HTML programming – as much as in the sociological and economical ramifications of search engine rules, for example how a firm or an individual can drastically improve their rankings just by re-wording their homepage pitch, or strategically placing links and pictures.
He measures the success of his brainchild not only on the number of subscriptions (anyone can just sign up just out of curiosity and then forget about it!) but on the amount of members logged in daily, and the time they are actively logged in for.
And it’s a ‘virtual circle’: the more users sign up, both individuals and associations, the better the service will get, since he hopes Gibraltarian firms will take advantage of Gibbook.com’s popularity to advertise on it and help out with maintenance costs - without making it a free-for-all spamville...
So far, small adverts can indeed be posted for free, and cultural events will always be, with the purpose of reaching out to the wider possible audience.
Pretty much work in progress, Alfred dreams Gibbook.com will be one day grow to a comprehensive tool for Gibraltar’s social life.
In the meantime he’s reached the ambitious target of 1,000 subscribers in less than a month, and donated £250 to the GBC Open Day.
GibBook
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Buy DVD's online
Buy all the latest Spanish DVD's from http://www.filmamora.us/.
Comedy, thriller, romance and any other movie you've been longing to see, here at FilmAmora.us.
Delivery made by Amazon.com striaght to your front door.
Comedy, thriller, romance and any other movie you've been longing to see, here at FilmAmora.us.
Delivery made by Amazon.com striaght to your front door.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora . . . the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora . . . the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
Monday, May 18, 2009
ACTUAL ' CALL CENTER ' CALLS
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'
Computer Problem
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
Toilet pain
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there ?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers !"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there ?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers !"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"
The Other Stall
Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stop at a rest area and headed to the restroom.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No...I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
Friday, May 8, 2009
Chelsea Football Club New Sponsor
Latest News on the Champions League Game - Chelsea v Barcelona.
Straight after the Barcelona Champions League game, Chelsea Football Club has announced this morning they have signed a 3 year deal with a new sponsor.
‘LastMinute.com’
Straight after the Barcelona Champions League game, Chelsea Football Club has announced this morning they have signed a 3 year deal with a new sponsor.
‘LastMinute.com’
Tom Tom
Latest News on the Champions League Game - Chelsea v Barcelona.
Just been informed that Tom-Tom has recalled all it's GPS models as apparently there is a glitch with them...
Apparently Chelsea in London was just 2 minutes from Rome
Hahahahaha...
www.JokesLOL.com
Just been informed that Tom-Tom has recalled all it's GPS models as apparently there is a glitch with them...
Apparently Chelsea in London was just 2 minutes from Rome
Hahahahaha...
www.JokesLOL.com
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Funny Pictures
Hi Guys,
I have just come across this great website which has many funny pictures. (Click on the title of this message to go to it)
Feel free to visit it any time and leave your comments here for JokesLOL.com viewers.
Thanks & Enjoy!
www.JokesLOL.com Team
I have just come across this great website which has many funny pictures. (Click on the title of this message to go to it)
Feel free to visit it any time and leave your comments here for JokesLOL.com viewers.
Thanks & Enjoy!
www.JokesLOL.com Team
Can your pecker touch your ass
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks, “Can I have a beer Gramps?”
Gramps replies, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”
The little boy answered, “No Gramps, it’s just a little pecker.”
Gramps says, “Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer.”
A little later Gramps lights a cigar.
The little boy asks, “Can I have a cigar, Gramps?”
Once again Gramps asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”
Once again the little boy replies, “No Gramps, it’s too little.”
Gramps replies, “Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar.”
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Gramps asks, “Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?”
The boys asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”
Laughing, Gramps replies, “Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass!”
The little boy replies, “Then go fuck yourself. Gramma made these for me.”
The little boy asks, “Can I have a beer Gramps?”
Gramps replies, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”
The little boy answered, “No Gramps, it’s just a little pecker.”
Gramps says, “Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer.”
A little later Gramps lights a cigar.
The little boy asks, “Can I have a cigar, Gramps?”
Once again Gramps asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”
Once again the little boy replies, “No Gramps, it’s too little.”
Gramps replies, “Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar.”
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Gramps asks, “Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?”
The boys asks, “Can your pecker touch your ass?”
Laughing, Gramps replies, “Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass!”
The little boy replies, “Then go fuck yourself. Gramma made these for me.”
La mamada
Están tres amigas y compañeras de trabajo tomando café en la oficina, haciendo una pausa, ya sabes. Y charlando de sus cosas. Hasta que una dice:
'Me pasa una cosa curiosa con mi Juan, después de hacerle una mamada, al tocarle los huevos, los tiene fríos, muy fríos, y eso siempre me ha hecho gracia, por lo curioso.
Interviene otra: 'de curioso nada, que a mi Pedro le pasa lo mismo..'
Ambas se quedan mirando a la tercera y la preguntan: ¿Y a tu Antonio? ¿le pasa lo mismo a él?
Esta tercera amiga, un poco sonrojada por lo íntimo de la pregunta, se arma de valor contesta: 'No sé, yo no hago esas cosas, no me gusta'.
Las otras dos amigas, se ríen ante proceder de su compañera y le dicen:
Pero no seas tonta... mira que es mejor que se lo hagas tú a que lo busque por ahí, que nunca se sabe..... además, a todos los hombres les gusta.
La tercera amiga, agobiada y preocupada a partes iguales por los lógicos razonamientos de sus compañeras decide darles la razón y practicarle una felación a su Antonio.
El lunes, en la pausa del café, vuelven a coincidir las tres, y le preguntan: '¿Cómo te fue, se lo hiciste?, ¿le gustó?, ¿y a ti?'
Entonces la chica, se quita las gafas de sol y se ve que tiene el ojo amoratado de un buen puñetazo o golpe o.... lo que sea, pero estaba claro que el Antonio le había pegado una hostia terrible.
Y le preguntan: 'Pero ¿qué te ha hecho?, ¿no le gusto?, ¿se la mordiste, chiquilla?
Y la pobre mujer contesta: No, nada de eso, si hasta me felicitó por el trabajillo, y le encantó, lo que no le gustó es que al terminar, le toqué los huevos y le dije:
¡anda!... fíjate, tú los tienes calientes, no como Juan y Pedro, que los tienen fríos después de una mamada!!.
'Me pasa una cosa curiosa con mi Juan, después de hacerle una mamada, al tocarle los huevos, los tiene fríos, muy fríos, y eso siempre me ha hecho gracia, por lo curioso.
Interviene otra: 'de curioso nada, que a mi Pedro le pasa lo mismo..'
Ambas se quedan mirando a la tercera y la preguntan: ¿Y a tu Antonio? ¿le pasa lo mismo a él?
Esta tercera amiga, un poco sonrojada por lo íntimo de la pregunta, se arma de valor contesta: 'No sé, yo no hago esas cosas, no me gusta'.
Las otras dos amigas, se ríen ante proceder de su compañera y le dicen:
Pero no seas tonta... mira que es mejor que se lo hagas tú a que lo busque por ahí, que nunca se sabe..... además, a todos los hombres les gusta.
La tercera amiga, agobiada y preocupada a partes iguales por los lógicos razonamientos de sus compañeras decide darles la razón y practicarle una felación a su Antonio.
El lunes, en la pausa del café, vuelven a coincidir las tres, y le preguntan: '¿Cómo te fue, se lo hiciste?, ¿le gustó?, ¿y a ti?'
Entonces la chica, se quita las gafas de sol y se ve que tiene el ojo amoratado de un buen puñetazo o golpe o.... lo que sea, pero estaba claro que el Antonio le había pegado una hostia terrible.
Y le preguntan: 'Pero ¿qué te ha hecho?, ¿no le gusto?, ¿se la mordiste, chiquilla?
Y la pobre mujer contesta: No, nada de eso, si hasta me felicitó por el trabajillo, y le encantó, lo que no le gustó es que al terminar, le toqué los huevos y le dije:
¡anda!... fíjate, tú los tienes calientes, no como Juan y Pedro, que los tienen fríos después de una mamada!!.
Cooter and Gomer
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
www.JokesLOL.com
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Scottish Divorce
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..
www.JokesLOL.com
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..
www.JokesLOL.com
Bells
Twelve Irish priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude,in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model dancedbefore them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told thatanyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordainedbecause he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests untilshe got to the final priest, Timmy. Poor Timmy.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clatteringacross the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Timmyquickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up..........then all the other bells started to ring.
www.JokesLOL.com
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude,in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model dancedbefore them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told thatanyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordainedbecause he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests untilshe got to the final priest, Timmy. Poor Timmy.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clatteringacross the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Timmyquickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up..........then all the other bells started to ring.
www.JokesLOL.com
Human anatomy
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
www.JokesLOL.com
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
www.JokesLOL.com
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
www.JokesLOL.com
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
www.JokesLOL.com
Monday, April 27, 2009
6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this.
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Little Ralphy (aka: Jerry Lassen)
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked so beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.'
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
www.JokesLOL.com
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked so beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.'
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
www.JokesLOL.com
Pretty good, I got a kick out of them
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied, 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
------------------------------ -----
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says and hangs up.
-----------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun? What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-----------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say?' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
And, my favorite is: LOL
The graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
www.JokesLOL.com
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
------------------------------ -----
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says and hangs up.
-----------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun? What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-----------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm OK, but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say?' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
And, my favorite is: LOL
The graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
www.JokesLOL.com
The Priest
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
One Sunday morning, before mass he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said,
'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
The Kind lawyer
One afternoon a lawyer was riding home in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer instructed.
They all squeezed in, which proved no easy task, even for a car as large as the lawyer's limousine!
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place......
The grass is almost a foot high'
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer instructed.
They all squeezed in, which proved no easy task, even for a car as large as the lawyer's limousine!
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place......
The grass is almost a foot high'
This had me crying it's so funny
I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether
sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t
yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera
peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I
was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to
by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure
of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest
being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in
for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of
the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain
that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,
this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
their way through the small intestines, forcing their way
into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has
never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear
that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of
it, just as an red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked
if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what
his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that
refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and
I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could
do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new
guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few
folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I
raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying
down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before
the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the
toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One
poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is
the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell
that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping
when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you
might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual
gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more
bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say
anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t
yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt
cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera
peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I
was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to
by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure
of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest
being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in
for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of
the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain
that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is,
this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were
staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
their way through the small intestines, forcing their way
into the large intestines, and before I could take one step
in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section,
suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has
never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear
that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of
it, just as an red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked
if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what
his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that
refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and
I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply
watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could
do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things
'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new
guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few
folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I
raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying
down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before
the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the
john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the
toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One
poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is
the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell
that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my
partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping
when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you
might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The
manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute
or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual
gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was
nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more
bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say
anymore about that because we are in court over the whole
matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
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Nigel Spoon Head