The Smartest Dog

Don't Fart in Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods upmarket jewellery department. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady "How may we help you today?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

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Car Arrested!

Someone is not running away that easily!!!

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. 



The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs,
 

enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde

in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. 

 

 

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

 

 

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.  

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini,

taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said

 

"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"  

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"  

She replied,


"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

No White Zinfandel for Me

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks.Though interviewed separately,
they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested,
she'll send YOU a drink

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with
friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she
has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an
easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally
drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing
to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
 
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer:
He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer:
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine:
He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help
him get laid.

Whiskey:
He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila:
He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel:
He's gay.  

Finally a blonde joke I haven't heard...

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

            'You ok?' she says.

            'Yes.' he says..

            'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

            'It's best I stay here.' he says.

            'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

             The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the

             F***..g goal keeper !!!"

BIG Fish Story

SON OF A BITCH FISH!

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You Fuckers are my kind of people!"

Little Johnny's at it again

Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johnny asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer!  Pass on to your friends!

They like Johnny too ya know!

Why you should always carry a camera

A Drunk

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door.  The man gets up  and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.


'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about
three months ago  when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark..

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.